


Who I really am (not who I’m supposed to be)

by JayPendragon



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Fix-It, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 18:39:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18643849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayPendragon/pseuds/JayPendragon
Summary: “Don’t tell me it’s not what you want, buddy. I remember you talking about her. You still got her picture in your pocket. You saved the world, you’re supposed to get the girl.”Yeah, that’s how it goes, isn’t it?Steve thinks but doesn’t say. Once upon a time, before he saw the changes he only ever dreamed of in the thirties come to life in all the colors of the rainbow, before learning that Bucky survived… Back then, he would have agreed.A Steve/Bucky Endgame fix-it for the #NotMySteve problem.[SPOILER WARNING for Endgame]





	Who I really am (not who I’m supposed to be)

**Author's Note:**

> I humbly present my contribution to the gigantic wave of Stucky Endgame fix-it fics that this fandom desperately needs. 
> 
> Special thanks to [merlenhiver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlenhiver/pseuds/merlenhiver) for quickest beta-ing ever and to [deaded-blush](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deaded_blush/pseuds/deaded_blush) for supportive comments ♥ 
> 
> PS: I was formerly JayEz. This marks my first update after changing my user name :)

Even in death, Tony surprises him. 

Steve expected a large ceremony, twice the size that Peggy’s service had been, not the tasteful, intimate gathering he arrives at. Then again, Tony Stark surprising him has always been one of the constants of the universe – why should it be any different now that he is gone? 

It makes him wonder if he, too, could have a quiet funeral. He never really considered the possibility, but given that the savior of the galaxy was left alone, maybe the reforming governments of the world would award Steve the same courtesy? 

“Don’t think so hard, punk,” Bucky says then, emerging from the motel bathroom. “Gonna hurt yourself.”

Steve can’t help his lips quirking in response even as his pulse stutters in his chest. He has to fight the urge to pull Bucky into yet another hug to make sure he’s truly there, alive and breathing, brought back by Bruce’s snap. 

But maybe Buck senses his thoughts cause he sits down on the mattress of the single Steve’s been occupying ever since returning from the wake. Bucky chose his left, probably so he can bump his flesh shoulder against Steve’s after he says, “That joke was old when we were young, Buck.”

“Who says I’m joking?”

Steve tries to roll his eyes but can’t quite keep the fondness off his face. 

A couple of moments pass in silence before Bucky speaks again. 

“You ready for tomorrow?”

Steve nods. 

“You want company?”

Steve shakes his head, then immediately freezes – 

But it’s too late. 

Bucky’s considering him with a guarded look when he manages to lift his gaze. 

“You’re gonna stay.”

It’s not a question. 

Steve exhales at length and looks away. “I’ve… thought about it.”

He hears Bucky swallow next to him. “Guess you deserve a bit of R&R.”

His voice is steady when he says it, but Steve’s known him long enough to recognize the faint hollowness of his tone. 

It’s the same tone he used when he told Steve he’d be fine on his own in Wakanda. ‘Time I get some respite from your ugly mug, punk,’ he said back then, the same smile curling his lips, the same schooled expression. 

“I… It’s selfish. I’m not supposed to interfere. I’m not supposed to change the past.”

“You’re supposed to do what makes you happy,” Bucky says, and is on his feet a heartbeat later, pacing the small room. “Screw what you’re supposed to do, Steve. You’ve done enough of that. You brought us back. You defeated Thanos –”

“We all defeated –”

“– so you damn well deserve to be as selfish as you wanna be.”

Steve stares. He wasn’t sure what to expect – even though he sure knew what he’d wish for Bucky to say – but the very last thing he expected was for Bucky to tell him to leave. 

Steve breathes through the pang of disappointment in his chest. 

“Don’t tell me it’s not what you want, buddy. I remember you talking about her. You still got her picture in your pocket. You saved the world, you’re supposed to get the girl.” 

_Yeah, that’s how it goes, isn’t it?_ Steve thinks but doesn’t say. 

Once upon a time, before he saw the changes he only ever dreamed of in the thirties come to life in all the colors of the rainbow, before learning that Bucky survived… Back then, he would have agreed. 

“You sure?” he asks, watching Bucky as closely as he dares without giving away how insecure he is feeling right now. 

Bucky meets his eyes for three full, breathless seconds. 

Then he nods.

*

“I’m gonna miss you, buddy.”

“It’s gonna be okay, Buck.”

Steve commits the hug to memory.

*

The 2012 version of himself is still out cold when he places the scepter back in the case. 

He stays long enough to ensure the mind stone is safely in the hands of SHIELD ( _Hydra_ ) before he seeks out the Sanctum. 

The lady in yellow – who looks much younger than he expected after Bruce called her ‘the Ancient One’ – smiles benevolently when he approaches her on the roof moments after Bruce left. 

Without comment, she opens her necklace and floats the time stone right out of Steve’s palm. 

*

He almost gets lost in Asgard. Thor did his best to explain the layout of the palace, but he forgot to mention how… how _stunning_ everything is. 

Magic has seeped into the walls and raises the hair on the back of Steve’s neck as he tries to focus his attention on sneaking around a corner without making a sound. At least he already managed to put Mjolnir where Thor will be able to summon it. 

There are voices nearby – Thor, and his mother. Steve listens to their conversation and quickly breathes a mental sigh of relief. He made it in time. 

“Idiot, no. A failure? Absolutely.”

A beat. 

“Seems a little bit harsh,” Thor says. 

“But you know what that makes you? Just like everyone else.”

“I’m not supposed to be like everyone else, am I?”

Steve is glad that no one is around to see him flinch.

“Everyone fails at who they’re supposed to be, Thor. A measure of a person, of a hero, is how well they succeed at being who they are.”

 _But what if you don’t know who you are anymore?_ a voice whispers in Steve’s head, drowning out Thor’s response. He wonders if Frigga knew her son would take her advice and set out on a spaceship to destination unknown, and what she thought of it.

Yet before he can come to any conclusion, the quick tribble of feet signals the arrival of Rocket and Steve takes the secret passage down to Jane’s quarters to restore the red Aether to its original place. 

*

“Steven. Son of Sarah.”

No amount of warning on Clint’s part could have prepared Steve for the sight that greets him on Vormir. 

The Red Skull floats towards him. Steve tightens the grip on his shield, but the Red Skull merely smiles wider. 

“I cannot harm those who seek the stone.”

“Not really seeking it,” Steve says, shifting his shield to reveal the gem in his other hand. If Tony were here, he’d probably make a quip about a return policy.

The Red Skull hums. For a second, it seems as though the creature doesn’t know how to proceed, but then he simply glides off, just like Clint described. 

Steve steps up to the ledge of the cliff. He steels himself before looking down. 

The ground is empty. 

Well, it was a long shot. If the full power of the stones couldn’t bring her back, Steve’s wishful thinking sure as hell won’t – why is he wet?

He leaps to his feet, checking his surroundings from behind the shield, gripping the stone tight –

Which is why he feels it when it vanishes. 

Water splashes behind him and he twists, prepared for –

… for anything other than Peggy standing ankle-deep in the water underneath the eerie sky. 

She looks like he remembers her when they met, right down to the fierce strength emanating from her. Her form appears solid, but he’s seen enough of the world – the _universe_ – not to trust his own eyes right now. 

“Peggy?”

She smiles. 

“Where am I?”

“At a fork in the road.”

Steve lowers his shield. She has come to a stop several steps away from him, just outside of his reach. 

“Which direction you take is up to you.”

“What do you –” he begins, but cuts off when his foot lands on stone. 

He’s back on Vormir. 

Alone. 

*

Steve turns the Tesseract over in his hands. The path ahead seemed so clear, the choice made. 

_“I’m gonna miss you, buddy,”_ were his words. 

Not _‘I don’t want you to go’_. 

Not _‘Stay’_. 

Steve can hear the music in his head, can feel Peggy’s hand in his. Her head resting on his shoulder. Resting, because his work as Captain America is done, at last. 

Yet what about his work as Steve Rogers? 

*

The container Tony cut through according to Friday is still open when Steve finds it, deep in the tunnels below the Camp. 

He puts the Tesseract back, then fuses the metal shut again with the device he brought. 

That was the easy part. 

He steps into the bright New Jersey sun with a hollow feeling in his chest. 

_“Which direction you take is up to you.”_

He glances at the temporal GPS that also hides his time travel suit, then at the building he knows holds Peggy Carter’s office. 

Is this the end of the line?

Or is this a new beginning? 

*

Bucky turns his face away from the platform. 

His skin feels as if he’s scrubbed it raw and his eyes burn. His heart is beating a staccato against his chest, a counter-rhythm to Bruce’s steady countdown. 

For the first time in years, he misses the deadly calm of the Asset. Not feeling anything would be better than listening for a sound that will never come. 

“He missed his time mark!”

Shielded from Sam and Bruce’s eyes, Bucky allows himself a bitter smile. 

Of course Steve did. Would’a been stupid not to. 

Bucky inhales through his nose. Clenches his left hand into a fist. 

When the loud _CRACK_ cuts across the clearing, he thinks he broke something in his Vibranium hand again, only to remember belatedly that he was holding onto nothing as he watched Steve disappear. 

“Gave us quite the scare, dude,” Wilson says behind him, followed by Bruce’s deep chuckle. 

Then...

“Let an old man have his fun.”

Steve’s voice. He sounds – young, sounds like he did just seconds ago. 

“Too soon,” Sam grumbles. 

There’s the _thud_ of a briefcase exchanging hands and Bucky knows he can’t keep hiding. He feels his right hand tremble when he finally turns around.

Steve’s eye flick towards him for the briefest of moments. Used to be that Bucky could tell what the punk thought from the way he breathed. Today, though, he’s a mystery. 

“Any problems?” Bruce asks, closing the briefcase again. 

Steve shakes his head, then reaches for the final two cartridges at his belt. His hands hover above them for a split second, like he’s having second thoughts and Bucky doesn’t breathe again until Steve has handed them over to a waiting Bruce. 

Steve deactivates his suit to reveal the generic pants and white T-shirt he put on this morning while Bruce carries the particles off to a place that’s hopefully more secure than where Steve stole them from in the first place. 

“Guess that’s our emergency stash now, huh?” Sam says, tracking Bruce’s departure. “In case there’s a next time when we gotta resort to sci-fi tropes to save the day.”

“Let’s just hope it’ll never come to that.”

“Ha, you getting tired of this in your old age, Cap?” Sam teases, and Bucky waits for Steve’s bristling follow-up…

Only it never comes. 

Bucky can’t make out Steve’s face, but he’s got a full frontal view of Sam’s narrow-eyed confusion.

Wordlessly, Steve holds out his shield. Makes an encouraging motion until Sam takes it. Slips his left hand into the straps. It fits him well. Bucky has no idea what to make of it. 

“How’s it feel?”

“Like it belongs to someone else.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Steve....”

A beat. Bucky’s sure he must’ve misheard. 

Sam glances down at the shield in his hand. His shoulders straighten a little as he takes in the full extent of the situation. Apparently, he’s also known Steve long enough to tell when he’s made up his mind.

There are tears in Sam’s eyes when he lifts his head again. “Thank you. I’ll try my best.”

“That’s why it’s yours,” Steve says, smile in his voice, and covers Sam’s hand with his own. 

Sam seems about to say something else, eyes darting over to Bucky again, but whatever he sees on Bucky’s face makes him change lanes. 

“Alright. I’ma take this for a spin. Can’t expect me to play frisbee like a super soldier on my first try, right?”

They hug. It’s short and back-slapping, so much unlike the hugs Bucky shares with Steve that it makes his head spin. 

Then they’re alone. Bucky, about five steps from a bench on the edge of the lake; Steve still close to the time machine that wasn’t supposed to spit him back out.

Bucky can’t seem to get his voice to work, but they’ve never needed words so much as quizzical looks. 

A deep breath. Steve gathering himself, but why would he –

“This ain’t the end of the line, Buck.”

The world grinds to a halt. 

“I don’t care what I’m supposed to want or be. I just got you back, Buck. I’m not gonna leave you again.”

Bucky’s throat feels tight. His pulse is through the roof. 

It’s the second time Steve gave up the shield for him. But this isn’t Steve backed into a corner, ridden with guilt over what he’d almost done to his former team mate. This is Steve who had the world at his feet – and yet this is his choice. 

It’s too surreal for Bucky to believe. 

“What’re gonna do?” he finally manages to ask. 

Steve shrugs. “These past five years, I… didn’t do a lotta fighting. T’Challa mentioned something about helping other nations get back on their feet. Maybe I could pitch in. Maybe I’ll take up a hobby. Get some of that life Tony always told me to get. Don’t know yet. All I know...” Steve trails off, like he’s lost momentum. 

Bucky yearns to break the tension any way he can, but all quips he can think of die on his tongue before they ever leave his mouth. 

“All I know,” Steve continues, shoulders squared and posture straighter, “is that I wanna have you by my side, Buck. Always.” 

“Not Peggy?”

It just slips out, unbidden, but now that is has Bucky can’t take it back. He hates how his voice wavers on these few syllables, hates even more that Steve catches it immediately. 

Instead of calling him out on it, though, Steve takes a step towards him. 

“Not Peggy,” he says. 

Another step. 

Two more put him at the edge of Bucky’s personal space. 

He’s dreamed of this moment. Ever since Shuri fixed his mind enough to make it safe for him to interact with others, ever since he saw Steve for the first time since his memories had returned in full. 

And it might be a dream now, too, but he doubts his dreams would feature awkward nose bumping where movies taught him to expect a perfect first kiss. 

Steve blushes from the root of his hair down to the nape of his neck, so Bucky cups his face in his hands, flesh and metal alike, and gently brushes their lips together.

When they pull back, their foreheads touch. Bucky allows himself to breathe the same breath as Steve, to maintain his grip on Steve’s shoulders, to bask in a moment he’d never thought he’d get. 

Footsteps on grass make them jump apart – but it’s just Sam, sweating slightly and holding the shield with a lot more ease than before.

“Barton said wheels up in thirty. Or do I gotta stall him?”

Since Steve’s too busy fighting his blush into submission, it’s Bucky who speaks. 

“Nah. We got all the time in the world now.”

Sam sends them a blinding smile before continuing back towards their motel. Bucky’s only got eyes for Steve, still standing tall after all they’ve been through. Still by his side.

“We do, don’t we?” 

Bucky answers with a kiss. 

 

**~ FIN ~**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> I hope this will be as cathartic to you as it has been to me ♥


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